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Many of them are middle-class, many have young children.

My boyfriend knew about my former career and was broadly supportive of my writing, but his career meant he couldn't come with me. "The noise you do when someone looks great." "Did you mean PHWOAR? But the conversation never really recovers after that. His on-again, off-again partner, who is lives as far from here as mine does, is visiting in three days' time. In a parallel universe we're probably carrying on a scorching love affair without even a pang of guilt. Before we part I step towards him - a move, in other circumstances, that would signal the big romantic clinch; in this case neither of us can bring ourselves to cross that line. WEEK 14 I find out why my boyfriend is incommunicado. If it was a month earlier maybe I wouldn't go back. In 36 hours' time I will be in the arms of my boyfriend and the gentleman will be in the arms of his girlfriend. POSTSCRIPT By silent agreement, we're making the best of it. The frequency has since dropped off, of course, but I can't complain.

I register, and enter the murky world of two-timing technology, taking note of the warning on the site: "Not all affairs have a positive effect on a marriage." What a masterpiece of understatement.

I wonder if anyone has ever read this, seen the wisdom of it and decided not to join. "I'm witty, charming, handsome and modest, and I'm kind to animals," I write, hoping this description will have a fairly broad appeal, and also include a recent photograph.

So, for the first time in my adult life, stretching before me like a punishment, was a period of enforced celibacy. It would be 100 days until we saw each other again... Maybe he wasn't exaggerating about his spelling after all. We're both a little wary after the episode with the spelling mistake, so agree to go back to the phone. It's difficult to make any conversation that doesn't revolve around that. The things we like, don't like, and would do if there wasn't this damned business about being committed to other people.

WEEK ONE I depart for Central America with one suitcase, a laptop and a box of condoms. But the heart is a lonely and extremely self-sabotaging hunter. Was he suspicious that the ex-call girl couldn't last four months without sex?

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